


Tony Understood

by awesome_goddess_of_mischief



Series: Angsty Tony One-Shots [4]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Insecure Tony, M/M, Miscommunication, One Shot, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Tony Feels, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 02:58:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4902934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesome_goddess_of_mischief/pseuds/awesome_goddess_of_mischief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark knew exactly what he was worth.<br/>He just felt so empty...</p><p>Everyone knows Tony hates being touched...<br/>He does. Right?</p><p>((Another Angsty Tony one shot, this is in no way related to the other fics in this series))</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tony Understood

**Author's Note:**

> This is the thing that kept me occupied instead of finishing the college AU.  
> It was suppose to be just a short little thing... yeah that didn't work out.
> 
> I hope you will like it  
> The possible trigger warnings are at the bottom due to spoilers

Everyone knew Anthony Edward Stark did not like to be touched.  
Pepper was the first to figure that out.

After Iron Man came walking out of Afghanistan, he had changed.  
And it drove him and Pepper apart.

Every time Pepper moved to touch her boyfriend, he would flinch and tense under her hand. And so she stopped touching him in the hope of bringing him comfort, and with the expectation that he would turn around soon.  
He didn't.

"I can't do this Tony. I'm sorry, but you're not the same man anymore."

-:•:-

Natasha found out next.  
She was very good at reading people, and all the signs pointed to the same conclusion... Tony Stark did not react well to being touched. Whenever someone even brushed pass him, he would tense up immediately.  
Before Afghanistan, it was obvious that the man was already not the type for physical affection, but after the dessert... The hero barely made contact with anyone.  
With skilful movements and charming smiles, Tony avoided every touch. And so when Natasha met the man officially, as herself, she only nodded. She wouldn't push her teammate to accept a touch.

-:•:-

Bruce was very confused.  
Tony clearly avoided touch, even more than Bruce did. He poked Banner with a pen, when he clasped a hand on someone's shoulder he quickly pulled back.  
The scientist assumed it was because everyone had their own demons, and so if his friend didn't want to be touched, Bruce wouldn't push.

The odd thing was though... he was so different with his robots.

Tony touched his robots continuely. And a lot more than necessary, Bruce was convinced he actually petted them. The engineer brushed along the arm of Dumm-E, and lazily wrapped an arm around You.  
Actually, the most surprising thing was, the bots touched Tony as well. Bruce had imagined, with Anthony's aversion to touch, that he wouldn't let his bots touch him either. But quite the opposite. His robots touched him all the time. They rested their arms against him, and stayed as close as possible. It would have been cute, if it wasn't so out of character for Iron Man.

-:•:-

When the Avengers moved into Stark tower, now named Avengers tower, they quickly figured out how much Tony loathed being touched.  
Natasha and Bruce already knew. Clint got a rant from Nat about it, so he knew. Steve noticed the day they arrived. Only Thor needed a heads up from the others. But the god quickly understand, so aside from a hug at arrival, there were no further incidents.  
Tony had welcomed them inside his home, and retreated back into his lab.

The others barely saw him. He only came out to get some food so now and then, and whenever there was a mission. Otherwise, Iron Man was hidden away.

Steve wouldn't let that happen though. Every night he would go down to the workshop and try to coax Jarvis into letting him enter.  
Every time he was denied entrance. And so the team had bonding nights without Tony. It didn't feel right though. Like a part of them was missing.

This had to change, but they couldn't force their teammate and friend to enjoy their company.

-:•:-

Big blue bags tainted Anthony's eyes, showing the world his exhaustion. Or, it would show the world, but he was safely locked away in his workshop. The one place where no one would judge him. He was safe here. It was home.

A shiver ran through the engineer and he sighed. "J, temperature up by a few degrees." He ordered with a cracking voice.  
He was coming down with something, probably a little flu, but it wouldn't stop Tony from working.  
He had to finish these improvements to Romanov her widow bites. Tony felt a bad for lying to her, but he knew she would never use his tech if she knew he made it. And so Tony sent it to shield's R&D department, who would give it to Natasha.  
Tony was a murderer, he knew what he was worth.

It wasn't much.

Or anything really.

Iron Man was worth something. At least he could cover the true heroes while doing their job. He could stand as a shield between harm and important people. Innocent people. Heroes.

But Tony... No... Tony was a piece of filth. The only reason he was alive was to try and make up for all the millions of lives he ended, and the millions more he destroyed.

The engineer ran a hand through his hair and dry swallowed some pain killers. His head was throbbing. But he had to finish these... And he had a new arrow to design for Clint.  
The archer had mentioned the need for an EMP arrow more than a week ago, and Tony hadn't even started yet. He had to work harder to catch up on all the work.  
An EMP arrow... A device that would be able to knock down the Iron Man suit.  
Tony understood. As he always did.

Because he was a genius.

He understood that Clint wanted something to defend himself from Iron Man in case Tony went rogue.  
Because, Tony was a murderer.

Another shiver ran through the engineer and he realised that he would need to grab a nap before he would be able to continue. The inventor limped to the cot in the corner of the workshop, and groaned when he fell down on the pillows. His leg still ached horribly from where the armour had been damaged a few days ago. But healthcare was for people worth the resources.  
He would be fine...

He just felt so cold...

Dumm-E rolled over and rested his claw on Tony's chest to protect the arc reactor. The exhausted man curled up tightly and bit his lip to keep the sobs down. How pathetic was he? That the touch of the robot he built himself was the highlight of his day?  
He was so cold. He just wanted a hug- no, that was too much to even dream of, a pat on the back maybe. Or even someone casually brushing by.  
That still happened sometimes. When Tony would go out of the workshop, sometimes someone would accidentally brush past him. The engineer would then freeze and tense up, because he couldn't bare to move away, but he also wouldn't dare to move closer. So he only stayed very very still until the other person had moved away. Which they always did quickly.

Tony understood. He was a murderer.

Who would want to touch a murderer?

Silent tears trailed along Tony's cheeks and fell into his pillow.

Darkness started to form around the edges of his vision.

Jarvis was shouting something. But Tony didn't understand. He was just so tired. He was gonna... Sleep... Just for a little while...

"J... Luv ya." Stark whispered before falling into a deep deep sleep.

-:•:-

Tony Stark woke up to blaring alarms. It took him way too much effort to open his eyes while his head pounded mercilessly.  
With a pained groan, the engineer dragged himself off the bed and towards his suit. It almost seemed at if his leg hurt even more, and Jarvis was projecting his internal temperature insistingly on the wall. "Sir, I cannot allow you to operate the suit. I am using override section 'fallen hero'. I will deny you access to the Iron Man armour for your own safety and that of others." The AI spoke firmly as no power was let into the suit.

"No... J... Need to fight... Help the others... Override... Alpha-1-1-1-0." Tony slurred desperately.

"Override code denied. Access denied. Please Sir, let me call for help?" Jarvis almot begged as he helplessly had to obey the old order of keeping his master's health status classified. He was unable to call for help. Unless...  
"I predict the chances of your death without assistance on 47,3%. This exceeds the 25% stated in the fallen hero protocol. Contacting doctor Banner now."

"No no no! J! Let me in the suit! Let me help them! Please! Don't drag Bruce away from the fight as well. They need him more than me! Jarvis, you're having innocent people killed!" Tony yelled in desperation. He fell to his knees and collapsed on the floor as all energy left him. He couldn't do a thing. He had programmed Jarvis to keep others safe... Not himself.  
Perhaps... Jarvis was more like himself than he thought... Selfish.

-:•:-

The second time that Anthony woke up that day, there were no alarms. There was no voice of his alternate intelligence in his hear.  
All he could hear was a steady beeping.  
And when his eyes finally fluttered open, all he could see was bright light and white walls.

It was easy to conclude where he was. Slightly drugged in what looked like a hospital room.

He was either in the hospital near the tower, or kidnapped.  
Neither formed a good image for the engineer.

Tony fought the drugs trying to pull him down, he had to get out of here. He had to go help his team.  
But no matter how hard he fought... He couldn't stay awake.  
Darkness surrounded him once more.

-:•:-

Tony woke once more, feeling a lot less drugged, but also in a lot more pain.  
He pushed that aside quickly though, because this time he wasn't alone.

The engineer his eyes were wide open, but he was lying on his back and couldn't see anything aside from the ceiling.  
Before he could say anything, the bed moved. The sound of a small motor working was heard as Anthony was slowly titled to the point of half sitting.

Finally he had vision of who was present in the room. And the answer chilled him to the core.  
Everyone.  
All the Avengers were sitting or standing around his bed, looking tired and battle worn.  
Luckily no one seemed gravely injured, but Tony understood what was gonna happen.

He had failed.  
He would be kicked off the team.

It was a surprise things lasted this long to be honest. Tony had expected to be kicked off ages ago.

"Tony..." Steve mumbled as he looked straight at the engineer with wide blue eyes. "Do you know what happened?" The captain's voice was rough and slightly pained, he never broke eyecontact, causing Tony to look down.  
"I tried. I swear. I'm so sorry. Jarvis wouldn't let me in the suit, and there's an error in his coding. He wouldn't accept my override codes. But I promise I will fix it. It will never happen again. I promise. I-" Tony kept rambling his answer, desperate to show that he tried. He really tried. But as usual, he was found wanting.

Steve raised his hand and stopped the waterfall of words. "Tony. That's not what I meant." The captain said softly. "Jarvis was right to deny you the suit. He was right to call Bruce. Because if he hadn't, you would have died Tony."

Oh. Well. If he put it that way...  
"That doesn't matter. It isn't an excuse to not come fighting. I should have been there to fight with you guys. What if someone had gotten hurt?" Tony argued.

Natasha frowned. "Then what about you? You're one of those people Anthony. You could have died of blood poisoning. You have been walking around with a huge infected leg wound for more than a week. How can you fight with us in that state? We need you healthy and happy Tony." The assassin spoke surprisingly soft.

Tony just felt weird. Everyone was standing at least a feet away from the bed. Each and every one of them made those small movements. Tony could easily read them, their initial responds was to reach out and touch him. But they all stopped their hands from reaching and shoved them in their pockets, or crossed their arms.  
They didn't want to touch him even though they seemed to agree with Natasha's words. They needed him healthy so he could fight better... Not because they cared. Because... They still didn't want to touch a murderer.  
And Tony understood.

He couldn't do this anymore. He felt so cold. So alone. Afraid to ask for the thing he craved most.  
It felt like he was dying of thirst, but the only ones holding water, were way out of his league.

Bruce suddenly stepped forward and grabbed Tony's wrists. "Stop it. Tony. What are you doing?" Be asked shocked while the engineer just froze. Without realising it, he had been scratching his arms desperately. His need to feel something was too intense. If pain was all he could get, it was better than nothing.  
But now Bruce was holding him. Two warm hands were wrapped gently but firmly around his wrists. A small sob escaped the cracked soul when Banner carefully pulled his hands back.  
"Please..." Tony whispered as he wrapped his arms around his own chest and pulled his knees to his chest. He buried his face in his knees and bit down more sobs. "I can't... Please just... Just... I can't be on the team anymore." He whispered brokenly. "I can't..." Tony pulled his own hair until the pain helped him think a little clearer.

"Anthony... Dear friend, we know you dislike touch... But please do not harm yourself. We are begging you." Thor spoke softly and gravely.

Tony carefully let go of his hair and looked up with tears staining his cheeks. He desperately shook his head and looked down again. "No... No no no. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I only... I... Please..." The engineer was slowly cracking. His leg hurt a lot. But his chest ached so much more. He hadn't gotten a friendly touch in over a year. After a while he started to enjoy being hurt. Because he could imagine the soft touches of a nurse taking care of him, were actually of someone who managed to not be disgusted by him.  
His brain laid a connection between pain and the warm feeling in his chest.

Tony wanted a hug. He wanted people to stop avoiding him. But he couldn't ask for that. He couldn't ask them to touch the despicable creature that he was.

So this was what his life would be. Days of coldness and emptiness and... Pain?  
How could he bare to feel this empty day after day?

And... After all... Wouldn't he just do the world a pleasure by disappearing? "Please just leave. Let me get out of here. I can take care of myself." Oh he would take care of himself alright. As soon as they left... He just needed them to go.

"Tony? What's wrong? You're acting so weird lately. We get the no touching thing, and I think we've been doing rather good. I mean, there are barely any accidents. We haven't touched you in months. But we can try harder if-" Clint got interrupted in his rant by Natasha gasping softly.  
The cold looking woman barely showed emotion, a soft gasp from her was a loud curse from another.  
And so the archer looked at his friend in surprise. But her eyes were focussed solely on Anthony.

"You idiot." She whispered as... Were those _tears_?  
T

here was moisture gathering in the widow her eyes. Actual, honest to god, tears. It was shocking to say the least.

"I'm sorry." Tony whispered even though he didn't really know what he was apologising for. Existing, probably. "You don't have to the anything. I'll... I'll move out of the tower. I'll quit from the team. You can get Rhodey. He's a good team player. He follows orders. He... He's... A g-good man." The engineer added as his heart slowly shattered. It was better this way.

And then, the weirdest thing ever happened.  
Natasha stepped forward, wrapped her arms lightly around Anthony, and hugged him.  
Tony froze. Was this some sort of sick joke? Did she want to remind him one more time of what he didn't deserve?  
As usual, Stark didn't move. He closed his eyes and focused on the warmth that seemed to seep through him. He would think of this moment later, when he was alone again. He would imagine this feeling, remember how amazing it felt.  
Clint let out a soft curse and it sounded a lot like he facepalmed.  
Romanov pulled back slightly to look at Tony. "Anthony... Look at me."  
His eyes snapped open and he immediately looked up at her, anything if she wouldn't move away for just a second longer.  
"The only reason we never touched, was become we were certain it was what you wanted. You responded so strangely... We thought it was unwanted instead of unknown." The assassin explained softly.

And suddenly the others understood as well. Every single time they had avoided an embrace it other friendly touch with their clever friend, he would see it as an avoidance.  
"But... Why didn't you say anything?" Steve asked as his blue eyes slowly filled with tears as well.

Tony was still focussed on the soft hands on his arms. It felt so comforting... He finally snapped back to the question asked and closed his eyes in shame. "I didn't... I didn't want to ask you to... To touch me. You obviously don't want to. And I understand. I do. It's fine. I'm fine."

"Anthony... You are obviously not fine. And who would be? You were betrayed my the man you had known since you were a child, kidnapped by terrorists and tortured into building a way to survive, almost killed several times, almost died of poisoning, flew into a portal to sacrifice yourself to save New York, and got left by your girlfriend because she did not know how to deal with your PTSD. And on top of that..." Natasha spoke softly but firmly, not taking her hands off of the engineer. "On top of that, we were idiots. We pulled away instead of reaching out. We misread you, formed our judgement on old facts, and you had to pay the price."

Steve stepped forward and sat on the foot of the bed as he looked down at his hands. "Would you believe me if I told you that we are sorry? And that we didn't mean it? And... Could you... Give us another chance? To fix things?" The captain asked uncertainly before carefully looking up.

Tony looked up in shock. "F-Fix things? You... You are not kicking me off the team?" Iron Man asked in a small voice, swallowing thickly and looking positively wrecked. He was exhausted, the injuries were not healed yet, and they were taking their toll on the hero.  
"Oh hell no!" Clint said firmly. "Tones, of course we're not kicking you off. Firstly, you make the best gadgets. Secondly, you have the best area view and most gunpowder. And last but not least, you're our friend. We would never kick you off. And definitely not over you falling ill. Never." The archer said with a finality through his voice.

Stark swallowed thickly and took a moment to put his thoughts on a row before answering. "You know about the gadgets?" He asked softly.  
The Avengers shared a glance and it was Bruce who answered. "Yes, we found out really soon. No way the guys from SHIELD could make tech that good. We didn't tell you because we thought you didn't want us to know. And we respected your privacy."

Tony just nodded and thought for a second. "Now that you know... You can give me feedback. I can make them even better." The engineer promised seriously and moved to grab his tablet, he better get started quickly.  
A strong hand rested on his shoulder and effectively stopped him from moving. Thor. "My friend, rest now. Your mighty weaponry and protection may wait for another day. Heal now, so we may be joyed with you company back home soon." The god of lighting said in his usual tone.

Home. Yeah...  
That sounded really nice.

And after being reassured that he wouldn't be left alone for the foreseeable future, Tony drifted off to sleep, thinking of home.

And for the first time in over a year...  
With the warm touch of a friend lingering around his hands.

-:•:-

During this tale, there is one more moment Tony woke up that is worth telling you about. You see, the next morning when Anthony woke...

The room seemed empty at first when dark brown eyes blinked awake. But before Tony could fall into despair once more, he felt something warm and turned his head.  
There, next to his bed, on an uncomfortable chair sleeping and looking rather disheveled, was Steve.  
Holding Tony's hand.

The others had left to catch some sleep and get something to eat, taking turns in visiting as to not piss off the doctors.  
But that was not the most important thing...

A small smile spread across the brunette's lips. Someone stayed.  
Steve stayed.

**Author's Note:**

> There is a moment where Tony gets so low he is thinking about ending his own life, although it is not clearly mentioned.  
> He does scratch his own arms subconciously when he panicks. So be careful when reading :*
> 
> I hope you enoyed it, if you did, please leave a comment  
> Feedback is always welcome, smack that like button with your forehead  
> and check out the rest of this series for more Tony angst!


End file.
